I finished this song and recorded this video and demo a few months ago, but I’ve been hanging onto it ever since, unsure what I should say about it. It’s one of those songs that just feels naked. The words are so sparse, they have nothing to hide behind. In fact, it’s a song about coming out of hiding.
I’m going to try my best not to overburden the song with more explanatory words. But I do want to share a few thoughts.
My word for the year 2023 has been “trust.” I felt an invitation to practice trusting myself more deeply and fully this year, and a lot of that work has felt like rebuilding. In my mind, I’ve found caveats, disclaimers, devil’s advocates, and Nervous Nellies, all eager to ensure I don’t trust myself too much. In my heart, I’ve found plenty of fear and anxiety, second-guessing, and shame, urging me to stay perfectly still, lest I trip and fall. In my body, I’ve found cycles of stress and panic, flashes of rage, and spells of despondency, all teaming up to keep me at a safe distance from what is really happening around me.
I have this hunch that we are all born trusting ourselves. No infant wonders whether they’re actually hungry before crying for nourishment. Their hunger is simply, inviolably true until it is met with the more profound truth of satiation and comfort.
When I was six years old, I was absolutely fearless in ways my present, 29-year-old self cannot fathom. I was all too eager to do backflips off of diving boards, climb anything in sight to get as far off the ground as possible, and be generally upside-down. I loved to play. I can now recognize that my play was made possible by my ability to trust myself. At the time, this quality must have been as foundational a fact of existence as the color of the sky—it would never have occurred to me that I trusted myself. All that would have occurred to me was that I was having fun.
I think children trust themselves until they’re taught otherwise by higher powers, whether those higher powers are adults or life experiences. Some of these teachings are wise, instructive, and crucial for survival. They can be identified by the fact that, in widening the scope of the child’s awareness, they actually contribute to increased self-trust in the long term. But other teachings actively erode self-trust in permanent, damaging ways.
If this were a proper essay, I might elaborate on what I mean by that. But it’s not. We’re getting into some pretty mysterious territory which I think is better explored through song.
Suffice it to say that this song, “I’m Okay,” charts the recovery of that childlike trust. It retraces steps, recalling the teachings of childhood which sowed seeds of self-distrust, then shedding them one by one. I hope there are few enough words that you can find your own story in them.
Is it safe to come out and play, come out and play?
Is it okay? Am I okay?
How long was I away, was I away?
Well, I’m here now
I was told to carry the weight, carry the weight
This is your fate, so I obeyed
On my own, how long will it take? As long as it takes
To be seen
Every step was heavy as stone, heavy as stone
It’s all I’d known, I called it home
Till my eyes grew heavier still, heavier still
And I laid down to sleep, sleep
I dreamed I was free
Don’t put on me
Everything that you’re afraid to see
Don’t put on me
All the things you wish that you could be
Is it safe to come out and play, come out and play?
Is it okay?
I’m okay
Beautiful.
This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing ❤️